I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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