I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
