when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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