broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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