I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
