Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
my poor anus
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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