so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
