Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
