I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
