Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
