tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
