i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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