dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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