yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
