you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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