Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
