I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
