He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
