its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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