there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
