Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
