No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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