I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
