i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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