At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
