Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
