Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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