the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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