Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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