im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
