I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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