He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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