I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
