On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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