I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
