: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.