Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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