Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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