Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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