dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
