So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
