she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
