so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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