Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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