Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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