Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
