I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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