I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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