she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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