So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
