last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
