If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
