They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
